Success Of A Blended Family

As a parent in a blended family I won’t lie and say that it is easy.  In fact it is one of the hardest jobs with the least amount of rewards I have ever done. It can be taxing both mentally and physically and leave me feeling emotionally drained at the end of the day.  With that said I would not change it for anything!  My kids and my husband are my entire life! My husband and I have no children together, but we have 4 children that we love very much.  We are raising them together and I think we are doing okay since all 4 of them are doing well in school, socially and in extracurricular activities.  We deal with some struggles that a “traditional” family does not.  Such as working out vacations, holidays, and breaks from school.  Yet we work very hard to make sure the kids are the #1 priority and are not suffering from our decision. 

Can you tell where there is a biological connection vs an
emotional one?  I will give you a hint, my husband and I are
closer in the picture to our stepchildren.  We blend together
well because we don't see ourselves as a "blended family."
We are a working unit!

Meet The Schafer's

My husband and I have not had the pleasure of having a child together, but we have 4 children we are raising together!   

Both my husband and I were married the first time at a very young age, with children soon to follow.  It didn't even take 3 years of marriage for the battles to begin.  The arguing was non-stop.  It is crazy to think that both of us were living the same role's in different relationships during the same period of time.  It is safe to say that not only were the 2 couples unhappy, but the 4 children were also suffering in their own ways.  After divorce, things got harder for all 10 people involved. The kids felt abandoned by the parent they were not living with, my husband and I both felt alone and insecure about our futures.  At least at first.  

A child's happiness comes from their parents emotional ties.  They don't always understand why you are unhappy, but they can feel it.  The same way you know when they are sad, happy or even angry.

My husband and I met through an online dating service.  We were unable to go to a bar or double date with friends.  That would require a free Friday night.  We were single parents and had young children who needed to be fed, bathed and put to bed no later than 8:30 PM.  Then we would spend the rest of the evening lonely and wondering how this was our new role.  I am a huge believer that things happen the way they are meant to happen.  My husband and I started our profiles on the same night and started talking 2 days later.  We went on our first date on a Sunday morning (it happened to be the only time neither of us had children).  It wasn't exactly love at first sight but almost 9 years later, I think it is safe to say the rest is history.  

Pretty early in the relationship we realized that even if we were a functioning unit together, that did not mean the kids didn't have to deal with a different house, set of rules, a change in schedule, etc. every time they left our house for their other parents.  

Here are a few of the ways we have used to conquer that issue and guarantee success for not only my husband and myself, but also the children!

·         Solid Marriage:  In a blended family there isn't the time to grow as a couple without children involved.  My husband and I set time aside for a date night at least once a month to make each other priority.  He is my best friend. 

·         Being Civil:  Ignoring or purposefully being mean because of a disagreement in opinions is not healthy for any relationship.  In our family we have dinner together each night without distractions.  Where we can talk to each other about our successes or what upset us through the day.  We aren't always super chatty but the time is there to talk and be heard.  

·         All Relationships are respectful: Not just children to adult, but adult to children also.  Sometimes it can be very hard to be respectful of someone’s decisions.  My family has been a blended family for almost 9 years now.  We still have moments where disrespect can ruin the entire week for someone.  We work hard to make sure everyone follows the golden rule.  (Kemp, Segal, Robinson, online)

·         Holidays are not important because of the date: If you think back on your best holidays what stands out as memorable?  Holidays can be difficult in a blended family.  The most important thing to remember is that the holidays are special because of family time, not the date on the calendar.  It was very hard the first time we spent Christmas morning without our children.  Looking back we realize that the pictures aren't time stamped, and neither are our memories.  We still had a great time, we still felt like a family on Christmas, and nothing was missing once we were all together.

·         Create A Solid Schedule: Children involved in a divorce typically have to live in 2 homes, at least part time.  That means 2 different schedules, 2 different sets of toys/clothes, 2 different sets of rules, 2 completely different families.  We learned pretty early in the relationship that if we provided the kids a stable schedule they were able to thrive from it.  Dinner may be at 6 in one home and 7 in the other, but they what to expect based on where they are.  It makes a huge difference in giving them a little control of their situation back to them.   

I am far from an advocate for divorce, but more so an advocate for happiness. Because of the choice that my husband and I made when we married our first spouses, we have to work a little harder and more consistently to make our family work.  Yet, as I mentioned before, I would not change it!  Success is achievable in a blended family.  We are a family not made by blood, but by love!  

Together my husband and I are raising superheroes.  Doesn't that say it all?

DIVORCE AND YOUR CHILD

I have been divorced for 14 years, my children are well into their teenage years and I even have stepchildren at this point in my life.  Yet, the thought of how my divorce has changed their lives, never stops coming to mind.  I didn't intend on having a baby with a man I would later find myself using words like despise to describe him.  I had 2 children with him actually. Yet, there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice when I took off the ring and revoked my promise to love him forever.  

Now some people will tell you that divorce is never the right choice. That a child is going to have the best shot at happiness and will be overall well-rounded in a home where they live with their biological parents. 

Shouldn't a child be raised in a loving home?  

What about when the parents fight constantly?  What if abuse is involved? Is that still the best choice?

Whatever your reason for getting a divorce was, you did.  Now it's time to take a step back from what was best for you and do what is best for you child.  I know that even being in a conversation with your ex over the phone, may seem like the hardest thing to do right now.  Many lawyers will use this to their advantage and are going to try to plot you against each other, to quit working with the other parent and focus on what is best for you. This helps drag the divorce out, and cost both parties more money. That is not a good situation for you or your child.  Mediation would be a good place to start.  To work on your differences and what you both want most, while keeping the children front and center in your mind.

Children should never feel the need to choose a side

Mediation is a neutral party that allows you to work out your differences without involving the children  

A child not only needs stability, they actually crave it.  Before divorce it is likely that you had a schedule for your child.  Breakfast is at 8:00 AM, after school we do homework, then dinner as a family, bed time is set at 8:30 PM, etc.  This is easily lost in a divorce.  Especially if the child is subjected to living in 2 homes with 2 bedrooms full of different clothes, toys, and rules. Studies show that even with that in mind, a child is less likely to feel the pressure of the divorce if joint custody is awarded to both parents.  Having both parents strongly involved in the decision making for the child is a healthy solution even after a divorce. Children thrive when both of their parents are involved in their lives.  If you were to ask 10 children from 10 different families about their parents divorce, chances are you going to hear 10 children tell you they hate it and did not want it to happen.  I have 2 kids that my husband and I have full custody of.  I have 2 kids that we share joint custody with their mother.  The kids in joint custody spend even months with their mother and odd with my husband and I.  Then of course we still get to see them every other weekend.  Yes, it is difficult at the beginning of the month when they have to transition to their new home.  However if you ask either my stepdaughter or stepson if they want the situation to change, they quickly say no.  I truly believe that what allows them to feel stability in a situation that could easily be disruptive in both their lives and emotional state is that schedule and an unbend-able set of rules.  Everything is done differently in both of their homes, but they know without question what the rules are and their schedule.  So they quickly fall back into the routines set by both their mother and father. The best thing about a child is they truly are resilient. They will learn the rules and schedule for each home as long as they are clear and not a debate between their parents.  

Children crave stability, a routine will help.

  

Giving your child an unbend-able set of rules and schedule may seem like more of a hassle for you to enforce.  Yet, it creates a stable environment for your child in a world that may not seem so stable. 

Holidays have the potential to be a very taxing time for everyone when there is a divorce involved.  Especially if the parents are not communicating.  I remember on Christmas a few years back, my husband and I saved all year to get the kids Nintendo DS's for Christmas.  We bought one every few months so that we did not have to pay the full $800 (they were at the time $200 a piece) all at once.  Christmas morning they were so excited when they opened their packages and had this item they had wanted for so long.  At noon they left for their other parents.  Where all 4 children were given a 2nd DS.  Of course the other parents did not get to experience the same excitement that my husband and I had.  The kids while grateful, but they had already received these items and were hopeful for something different.  It was that day that all of us involved realized our kids were being showered in unnecessary gifts on all Holidays because of a lack of communication.  While holidays are fun for gift giving, this does not need to be the main focus.  Since that day we have involved more time spent on focusing on the family, and less on the gifts we could give.  The kids don't notice that anything had changed, and we no longer feel like our wallets are empty when December rolls around.  

Focusing more on family than gifts during the Holidays not only
is easier financially, but gives the child more memories they will
remember for a lifetime.

Holidays are about the time spent with family.  Whether your agreement with your ex says you get them the day of, or the following week.  Don't let that change the event for you and your child.  The feeling makes it so much more special than the calendar ever could.

Divorce is not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.  It can take years for both parties and their children to heal.  So it should never be the first solution to a problem in the marriage.  When it does become the solution though, keeping your children's happiness front and center, will put them on solid ground to deal with the situation.  

Divorce can be like a puzzle, where the pieces don't fit just right.  The child's happiness will in the end be the glue that makes it work.