Success Of A Blended Family

As a parent in a blended family I won’t lie and say that it is easy.  In fact it is one of the hardest jobs with the least amount of rewards I have ever done. It can be taxing both mentally and physically and leave me feeling emotionally drained at the end of the day.  With that said I would not change it for anything!  My kids and my husband are my entire life! My husband and I have no children together, but we have 4 children that we love very much.  We are raising them together and I think we are doing okay since all 4 of them are doing well in school, socially and in extracurricular activities.  We deal with some struggles that a “traditional” family does not.  Such as working out vacations, holidays, and breaks from school.  Yet we work very hard to make sure the kids are the #1 priority and are not suffering from our decision. 

Can you tell where there is a biological connection vs an
emotional one?  I will give you a hint, my husband and I are
closer in the picture to our stepchildren.  We blend together
well because we don't see ourselves as a "blended family."
We are a working unit!

Meet The Schafer's

My husband and I have not had the pleasure of having a child together, but we have 4 children we are raising together!   

Both my husband and I were married the first time at a very young age, with children soon to follow.  It didn't even take 3 years of marriage for the battles to begin.  The arguing was non-stop.  It is crazy to think that both of us were living the same role's in different relationships during the same period of time.  It is safe to say that not only were the 2 couples unhappy, but the 4 children were also suffering in their own ways.  After divorce, things got harder for all 10 people involved. The kids felt abandoned by the parent they were not living with, my husband and I both felt alone and insecure about our futures.  At least at first.  

A child's happiness comes from their parents emotional ties.  They don't always understand why you are unhappy, but they can feel it.  The same way you know when they are sad, happy or even angry.

My husband and I met through an online dating service.  We were unable to go to a bar or double date with friends.  That would require a free Friday night.  We were single parents and had young children who needed to be fed, bathed and put to bed no later than 8:30 PM.  Then we would spend the rest of the evening lonely and wondering how this was our new role.  I am a huge believer that things happen the way they are meant to happen.  My husband and I started our profiles on the same night and started talking 2 days later.  We went on our first date on a Sunday morning (it happened to be the only time neither of us had children).  It wasn't exactly love at first sight but almost 9 years later, I think it is safe to say the rest is history.  

Pretty early in the relationship we realized that even if we were a functioning unit together, that did not mean the kids didn't have to deal with a different house, set of rules, a change in schedule, etc. every time they left our house for their other parents.  

Here are a few of the ways we have used to conquer that issue and guarantee success for not only my husband and myself, but also the children!

·         Solid Marriage:  In a blended family there isn't the time to grow as a couple without children involved.  My husband and I set time aside for a date night at least once a month to make each other priority.  He is my best friend. 

·         Being Civil:  Ignoring or purposefully being mean because of a disagreement in opinions is not healthy for any relationship.  In our family we have dinner together each night without distractions.  Where we can talk to each other about our successes or what upset us through the day.  We aren't always super chatty but the time is there to talk and be heard.  

·         All Relationships are respectful: Not just children to adult, but adult to children also.  Sometimes it can be very hard to be respectful of someone’s decisions.  My family has been a blended family for almost 9 years now.  We still have moments where disrespect can ruin the entire week for someone.  We work hard to make sure everyone follows the golden rule.  (Kemp, Segal, Robinson, online)

·         Holidays are not important because of the date: If you think back on your best holidays what stands out as memorable?  Holidays can be difficult in a blended family.  The most important thing to remember is that the holidays are special because of family time, not the date on the calendar.  It was very hard the first time we spent Christmas morning without our children.  Looking back we realize that the pictures aren't time stamped, and neither are our memories.  We still had a great time, we still felt like a family on Christmas, and nothing was missing once we were all together.

·         Create A Solid Schedule: Children involved in a divorce typically have to live in 2 homes, at least part time.  That means 2 different schedules, 2 different sets of toys/clothes, 2 different sets of rules, 2 completely different families.  We learned pretty early in the relationship that if we provided the kids a stable schedule they were able to thrive from it.  Dinner may be at 6 in one home and 7 in the other, but they what to expect based on where they are.  It makes a huge difference in giving them a little control of their situation back to them.   

I am far from an advocate for divorce, but more so an advocate for happiness. Because of the choice that my husband and I made when we married our first spouses, we have to work a little harder and more consistently to make our family work.  Yet, as I mentioned before, I would not change it!  Success is achievable in a blended family.  We are a family not made by blood, but by love!  

Together my husband and I are raising superheroes.  Doesn't that say it all?