DIVORCE AND YOUR CHILD

I have been divorced for 14 years, my children are well into their teenage years and I even have stepchildren at this point in my life.  Yet, the thought of how my divorce has changed their lives, never stops coming to mind.  I didn't intend on having a baby with a man I would later find myself using words like despise to describe him.  I had 2 children with him actually. Yet, there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice when I took off the ring and revoked my promise to love him forever.  

Now some people will tell you that divorce is never the right choice. That a child is going to have the best shot at happiness and will be overall well-rounded in a home where they live with their biological parents. 

Shouldn't a child be raised in a loving home?  

What about when the parents fight constantly?  What if abuse is involved? Is that still the best choice?

Whatever your reason for getting a divorce was, you did.  Now it's time to take a step back from what was best for you and do what is best for you child.  I know that even being in a conversation with your ex over the phone, may seem like the hardest thing to do right now.  Many lawyers will use this to their advantage and are going to try to plot you against each other, to quit working with the other parent and focus on what is best for you. This helps drag the divorce out, and cost both parties more money. That is not a good situation for you or your child.  Mediation would be a good place to start.  To work on your differences and what you both want most, while keeping the children front and center in your mind.

Children should never feel the need to choose a side

Mediation is a neutral party that allows you to work out your differences without involving the children  

A child not only needs stability, they actually crave it.  Before divorce it is likely that you had a schedule for your child.  Breakfast is at 8:00 AM, after school we do homework, then dinner as a family, bed time is set at 8:30 PM, etc.  This is easily lost in a divorce.  Especially if the child is subjected to living in 2 homes with 2 bedrooms full of different clothes, toys, and rules. Studies show that even with that in mind, a child is less likely to feel the pressure of the divorce if joint custody is awarded to both parents.  Having both parents strongly involved in the decision making for the child is a healthy solution even after a divorce. Children thrive when both of their parents are involved in their lives.  If you were to ask 10 children from 10 different families about their parents divorce, chances are you going to hear 10 children tell you they hate it and did not want it to happen.  I have 2 kids that my husband and I have full custody of.  I have 2 kids that we share joint custody with their mother.  The kids in joint custody spend even months with their mother and odd with my husband and I.  Then of course we still get to see them every other weekend.  Yes, it is difficult at the beginning of the month when they have to transition to their new home.  However if you ask either my stepdaughter or stepson if they want the situation to change, they quickly say no.  I truly believe that what allows them to feel stability in a situation that could easily be disruptive in both their lives and emotional state is that schedule and an unbend-able set of rules.  Everything is done differently in both of their homes, but they know without question what the rules are and their schedule.  So they quickly fall back into the routines set by both their mother and father. The best thing about a child is they truly are resilient. They will learn the rules and schedule for each home as long as they are clear and not a debate between their parents.  

Children crave stability, a routine will help.

  

Giving your child an unbend-able set of rules and schedule may seem like more of a hassle for you to enforce.  Yet, it creates a stable environment for your child in a world that may not seem so stable. 

Holidays have the potential to be a very taxing time for everyone when there is a divorce involved.  Especially if the parents are not communicating.  I remember on Christmas a few years back, my husband and I saved all year to get the kids Nintendo DS's for Christmas.  We bought one every few months so that we did not have to pay the full $800 (they were at the time $200 a piece) all at once.  Christmas morning they were so excited when they opened their packages and had this item they had wanted for so long.  At noon they left for their other parents.  Where all 4 children were given a 2nd DS.  Of course the other parents did not get to experience the same excitement that my husband and I had.  The kids while grateful, but they had already received these items and were hopeful for something different.  It was that day that all of us involved realized our kids were being showered in unnecessary gifts on all Holidays because of a lack of communication.  While holidays are fun for gift giving, this does not need to be the main focus.  Since that day we have involved more time spent on focusing on the family, and less on the gifts we could give.  The kids don't notice that anything had changed, and we no longer feel like our wallets are empty when December rolls around.  

Focusing more on family than gifts during the Holidays not only
is easier financially, but gives the child more memories they will
remember for a lifetime.

Holidays are about the time spent with family.  Whether your agreement with your ex says you get them the day of, or the following week.  Don't let that change the event for you and your child.  The feeling makes it so much more special than the calendar ever could.

Divorce is not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.  It can take years for both parties and their children to heal.  So it should never be the first solution to a problem in the marriage.  When it does become the solution though, keeping your children's happiness front and center, will put them on solid ground to deal with the situation.  

Divorce can be like a puzzle, where the pieces don't fit just right.  The child's happiness will in the end be the glue that makes it work.